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11-23-2015 **ring ring** 
(Taylor Swift answers her phone): Hey Adele, this is like, so crazy! I'm totally watching you on my DVR right now. You killed it on SNL! Are you watching one of my concerts now too? A: Um, no. I just wanted to talk. I don't have any of your concert DVDs. TS: Cool! I was on SNL once too. I'm gonna send you like six different concerts and my SNL tape in next month's care package. Did you like that scarf I knitted you? A: Oh yeah, it's beautiful. How do you have time to make people scarves? TS: I don't know. When I'm flying between shows, I just...oh my god, I shouldn't say this, but I totally listen to Spotify... And I just space out and sign fan letters and do crafts til we land. Did your puppy like those snacks I baked him? I used all gluten-free ingredients. A: Yeah, he really loves them. But, I was.. TS: Oh he's so cute! Give him hugs and kisses for me!! A: OK, I will. But I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. I kinda need to vent. TS: Oh, OK. Go ahead. A: It's just that I've been a little sad lately. TS: What's sad? A: I don't know. Like, wars...and breaking up with your boyfriend and stuff. TS: What? I mean, like, what's 'sad' mean? A: Oh. Ummmm, like the opposite of happy...? TS: Oh riiiight! Duh, TayTay! I remember being sad once a long time ago. I hear your songs and they're always about seeing your old boyfriends and stuff... I just, oh wait... A: Well...yeah. I mean, I write about the events in my life that have impacted the person I am. I think a lot of people can relate to... TS: Oh girl, I'm sorry! I have, like, the coolest fans. This little girl just tweeted me a picture of her two new goldfish. She named one Taylor and one Swift. Totes adorbs! I'm totally gonna send her one of those little scuba dudes for her aquarium and make her fish some tuxedos out of this black plastic I have laying around. They're gonna be ready for like, the goldfish prom or something. A: Wha..? 
TS: So yeah, your songs! I don't know what you were saying, but I used to write songs where I was mad at my ex-boyfriends too. I was burning pictures and crying all over my flippin guitar and thinking boys were mean. But I got over all that. Now I just shake it off. I tell guys we're just gonna be cool and have fun for a while. Then when I want to see someone else, it's no big deal. I don't even block my exes on Insta anymore. A: What do you mean? What do you do when you're sad? TS: I don't know...mostly just dance. I'm always happy. A: My downstairs neighbors complain when I dance. TS: Giiiirl, you should invite them up to party with you! Whenever I feel like dancing, I just send out a Facebook invite and I'm like, "OK bitches, the first 14 of you to RSVP, I'll text you my address and we're totally gonna listen to Uptown Funk and dance our asses off all night!" Then I tell them to stop by the Starbucks on the corner on their way over and ask for one of the managers, Deborah or Mackenzie, and put it all on Taylor's tab. I'm like "Get whatever you want as long as you bring me a grande iced peppermint mocha!" Have you tried one? They're delish! A: No, I drink mostly tea with honey because I had that problem with my voice. TS: Oh yeah, right, but these are soooooo good. I drink like five of them and get super ADD-hyper and sing and dance all night. Then when everyone leaves, we do a big group hug and I give them all some of these extra iPads I have laying around. It's like THE best time! A: That sounds... Wait, you just have random fans come over? TS: I know, right? I swear my Rumba hates me when I do that. It has to work, like, OT, the next day. It's stares at me and says, "Taylor, you silly blonde! Have people take their shoes off first if they're gonna dance all night!" I'm like, "Dude, chill! All you do is like eat dirt and spilled glitter." Plus it misses spots all over because it's afraid to go down stairs or something. A: You talk to your Rumba? TS: What? A: I said, do you talk to your Rumba? TS: Oh yeah, sometimes. Hey Adele, how come when you sing, you sound, like, English, but when you talk I can barely understand you? A: I don't know. I think that happens with a lot of singers. But actually I am from Engl... TS: OH MY GOD, I have the best idea! Do you sing in French?! I always wanted to learn French because it's so beautiful and, well, I look so cute in those hats they wear. If you could sing something to me in French maybe I could understand it and I wouldn't have to study or buy that Rosa Parks Stone or whatever? A: Actually, don't know French, but I don't think that's how it works. TS: Did you know Justin's monkey knows German? A: No. You mean Justin Bieber? He still has that thing? TS: Oh yeah. They gave it back to him. Can you believe it knows three languages?! German, and English, and then of course like monkey language too. It's so smart. It must be one of those monkeys that's like only one DNA away from being a person. Anyway, Justin is always texting me these pictures of him and his monkey naked on the couch just like watching TV or eating bananas. He thinks it's hilarious. He'll be like, "Derrr, just me and my monkey hanging out. Get it?" I'm like, "Duh, who hasn't seen you and your monkey's dongs, dude?" He's crazy. He sends like ten a week. A: Wow, that's weird. But I was hoping you could help me with... TS: Girl, do you like horses? I just rode one the other day and it was the best. A: Yeah, I like horses. Do you have some? TS: No way! But this fan of mine, Miranda.... last weekend, she posted like the cutest collage of pictures of me in hearts and framed with lace and maybe some macaroni or something. So I'm like, "Where are you? We NEED to hang out!" And she was like in Montana or Canada or somewhere. I said, "What do you do for fun?" And she said she likes horses. So I flew to her house and we found these people that would let us ride their horses around. It was crazy. One time, Miranda's horse just totally stopped and like, did its business right in the middle of the trail. It was gross! I'm like, "What did you do to that horse? Did you squeeze it too hard or something?" And then it just kept on walking. Who does that?! A: You really do a lot with your fans, huh? TS: Oh yeah, totally. Miranda loved those horses because she's gonna be a veterinarian doctor someday. I wanted to buy her some horses, but you know, ones that weren't so vile and smelly like the ones we rode. So instead I'm like, "Here, take my black Amex and go buy whatever college and books you need so you can be a doctor. And go to BBB so you can totally have the coolest room on campus." She was all crying, and I think it was because she didn't know if college takes Amex. I'm like, "Don't be silly. Everyone takes Amex!! If they have a problem, just have your professor call me and I'll make sure it's all cool." A: Wow, that sounds so nice. TS: Yeah, it was fun. What do you do for fun? Like, since you're always sad and singing about your old boyfriends. A: Ummm. I guess I like watching Monty Python. TS: Eww, creepy! I don't even like snakes. Did you see when Britney wore that big one at the VMAs? 
A: Yeah, I saw her. But this is a comedy show. TS: You mean like snakes telling jokes? That sounds weird!! I wonder if Justin's monkey can talk to snakes too. Their tongues are like...ugh, so gross! Did you see that movie Silence of the Lambs where that guy talked like a snake? He was a major creep-o, and so scary! I think he's like dead though, or else he would give me nightmares. A: That was Anthony Hopkins. He's not dead. Actually, he's a knight. TS: Cool! So like, does he have a horse? Did I tell you about when I rode a horse? A: Um, yeah, you just did. TS: Or maybe he's like a prince. One time I dated a Kennedy. He's kinda like a prince, ya know, for America. Have you ever dated that Prince Harry? He's cute. Oh wait, I guess you wouldn't have since he's way younger. A: What, love? I'm actually younger than he is. You know I'm only a year older than you are, dear. TS: NO FLIPPIN WAY!! I thought you were like 42 or something! My mom and all her friends love your songs. They're gonna be, like, freaking out when I tell them you're not their age! A: I'm not sure this is making me feel any better. I just wanted to get your advice on how you've started to deal with all your relationships in a more healthy way. Your song lyrics used to be all sad like mine, where you were hung up on old boyfriends. And then you did "Shake It Off." And now you have that song "Wildest Dreams" where you know it's just basically a fling...you know things are going to end even at the beginning, and you're so, I don't know, OK with that. TS: It's just easier to deal with now. I mean, not deal with like Carrie Underwood does. She goes nutso and bashes up cars and stuff. Like, between me and you, I think she has issues. Anyway, every time I broke up with a guy I just wrote a song and got more rich. I think Rolling Stone called it my revolution. A: Probably your 'evolution.' Your lyrics have probably evolved as you've grown up. TS: What? A: Hello? TS: (silence) A: Taylor? TS: Oh yeah, I'm here. I thought you were going to start singing to me. You know... (impersonates Louis Armstrong) "Hello? Taylor, it's me, Adele. Hello from the other siiiiide of the ocean." Or ummm, you guys call it a pond sometimes. It's pretty big for a pond, you know? Ponds must be littler in the United States. A: Well, um, yeah. I mean, it's just kind of an expression. TS: Those people at Rolling Stone were so nice. I'm like, "This is gonna be such a great article. I wanna buy every magazine you print and mail them to my fans!" And they said they couldn't do that because they have subscribers or whatever who would be ticked if they didn't get their magazines. So I'm finally like, "I mail things all the time. Just give me all the magazines and your list of addresses for your subscribers and I'll totally take care of it." And the next day these two ginormous sweaty guys knocked on my door with like more boxes of magazines than I had ever seen in my life. It took me all night to address them. A: So you just wanted to mail out thousands of magazines? TS: Well, not just that. I like highlighted my favorite parts of the interview and drew hearts on some pictures. Then if the person's name was something mean, like Max or something, I would draw devil horns on me or one of those twirly mustaches. I think people with a mean name would like that. Oh my god, I went through so many highlighters and so much Starbucks that night. It was like 2AM and I was at Office Depot in my pajama pants and flip-flops. They thought I was crazy. I was like, "Duh, it's TayTay again, buying more highlighters!" And I thought they were going to go insane at the post office the next morning. But they already know I'm in there mailing things to my fans like every day. They're like, "Taylor! Your packages always get glitter all over the rest of our mail." Pffft. I tell them it's just bills, and bills are boring. They could use some glitter. What do you do with the glitter I send you? That should make you happy. A: Actually, it's just sitting in a drawer. I don't know what to do with it. It seems messy. Won't it just get it my carpet and sofas and never come out? TS: Yeah! It stays forever and makes everything pretty. A: Well, maybe that will help a little. TS: I hope so! I'll send you more next month, with those DVDs. OK, I gotta run. I have to visit some of my fans in the hospital today. I think they were texting and driving or something. A: Oh, OK. Bye, love. TS: Lova ya, bitch. Kiss kiss. Have fun, bitches. -T |
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