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2-3-2019 Welcome to the insane world of Super Bowl Proposition betting, which will be referred to as "prop bets" or "props." If you're unfamiliar with these wacky, wide-ranging, and "Who cares?"-inspiring bets...ummm, I'm not sure how you've landed on this page. But thanks for reading anyway! If you're like me, the Super Bowl is just an excuse to hang and drink with friends, watch funny new ads, and stuff your face with an obscene amount of chili and waaaaaay leftover Christmas cookies. But now that the creativity of the ads has fallen through a Florida-esque sinkhole, all we're left with are the food, drinks, friends, and wanting the Patriots to be beaten by an embarrassingly large total. Seriously, I can't wait for the end of this dynasty led by Tom "I've never eaten a strawberry" Brady and Bill "Boyz in the Hoodie" Belichick. They've somewhat perfected the NBA model of dogging it during the regular season and then finding that extra gear in the playoffs. They received a regular season power ranking of 6th or 7th, depending on the source (USA Today and 247sports.com, respectively). Their offense was 6th in yards and 4th in points. And their D ranked 7th in points given up and 21st(!) in yards allowed. Then they're simply gangbusters in the playoffs. The Rams? Well, no one cares about the Rams. Not in St Louis, not in LA. So without a team to root for, why not invest yourself - emotionally and financially - in some of the other weird things that may or may not happen in the game?!? That's where props come in. The first is just an example for beginners, so you can get your feet wet...literally. For this and others (which I'll choose a side on), I'll chime in during the game to see how they're going. Any in-game updates will be added in red, and hopefully with a time stamp of where we're at during the game. 
This is a silly one that dumb local radio hosts usually chortle on about, which makes it a great example/intro. But we definitely don't want to bet on this unless we have an inside info source with someone who works at the stadium (and if you do, bet it heavily!). What color will the Gatorade be that gets dumped after the game? This is light-hearted and goofy, and from here we get varying degrees more serious. Oh, and again, for all you beginners out there, the wagering goes like this. If you bet $100 on red and that semi-sweet liquid pours is revealed to be red after the game, you just won $300 bucks. If it's any other color, you just lost that Benjamin. That one above was for practice. I have no opinion on Gatorade. Below, I'll be picking "for real"...or, ya know, at least taking a side, on the ones below. Notee: It was blue! 
I feel like this one is super easy!! Lay the -500 line (ie. bet $500 to win $100) and believe that Tony Romo will continue to kill it as the best prognosticating analyst on TV. I don't understand why Vegas (Note: all lines are from Odds Shark) says it's more likely that Romo will be under center next year than calling the shots as an offensive coordinator. The latter seems much more likely of those two choices. Oh, and unfortunately, I've already uncovered a flaw. This bet won't pay until the beginning of next season. But still... 
HA! Video of Rams coach Sean McVay being held back during games by his strength coach, Ted Rath, made the rounds a couple weeks ago, and people loved it. Let's take the over on this bet, because the game is long and showing these clips is entertaining to all! Halftime: I haven't caught any of these replays yet! Final: Although I watched all the game and didn't see any of these clips, I can't definitively say either way. Still, we'll count this one as a loss, because it's unlikely I missed two. 
Ugh. I didn't want to do it, but for any Bears fans, this bet will simply be known as the Parkey Special. He semi-notoriously blasted 4 off the goal posts in a regular season win against the Lions, and then uber-notoriously cemented the Bears loss to the Eagles in the opening weekend of the playoffs with one. I'm not even linking clips because I can't tolerate seeing them again. Too painful. Even though we're forced to lay heavy odds (we need to wager $605 to win $100), we have to go with NO here. Halftime: While Gostkowski missed his first try, and it was headed for the left goalpost, it missed completely, so we're still safe on this one! Final: No doinks! This is a winner! 
I should have looked at the notes on this one. It's possible that the winning team won't visit the White House (unless the Pats win, because Kraft and Brady are super buddy-buddy with Trump), and I don't know what happens with this bet if the visit is scratched. Oh well. This is fun, but also a thinker. Of course, the Clemson Tigers football team were treated to wide-ranging array of fast food during their recent White House visit, thus the inspiration for this bet's existence. However, that was during a government shutdown. February 15 is the target date for another shutdown. Regardless of what happens, the negative publicity surrounding the first round of burgers and fries would likely prevent this from happening again. Bet large on "any other food." 
After watching the recent Fyre documentary, we know that would-be half-assed organizer Billy McFarland didn't stop after his festival suffered the epic-est of modern day fails. Instead of cooling his jets, he continued to partner with some other scrub hustler to form VIP Access and tried to sling tickets and meet and greet experiences that simply didn't exist. Now the tantalizing question is whether Billy will try to sell fake tickets to the Super Bowl. (Again, we have to wait until Feb 28 for the final answer.) I say No, because even if he has a scam in the works, it will be run through a shady cut-out. 
Now the gambling starts to get a little more serious as our focus shifts to action on the field. I put myself through the paces with this offering. Of all the touchdowns scored in the game, how many yards will those scoring plays combine for? It's very very tempting to take the over. We want to root for the over; that just how the public thinks. However, let's consider what it will take to make the over happen. One kickoff return will seal it, as will one very long run or pass play. But the Rams aren't as much of a long pass threat without Cooper Kupp, and I'm guessing most of New England's TDs will be 7-yard passes to Gronk or James White bullying his way in from 1 yard out. And even if there are 6 touchdowns in the game (projected to be 58 points...probably 5 TDs with some FGs mixed in) and one was 30 yards, the other 5 would have to average over 11 yards each. So really, to lose this one, you need an extra long TD or two that are of medium length. (And yes, I very nearly walked into a "That's what she said.") We're taking the under on this one. Halftime: Since there have been zero touchdowns, this is looking good! 4th Quarter, 7:00 remaining: Michel punches in a TD from 2 or 3 yards out. Final: That was the only touchdown of this boring game, so this was an easy winner! 
This isn't a crazy long shot, but my prediction for this game has been split. Either the Pats will win a tight one, courtesy of some typical late game heroics by Tom Terrific, or that the Rams will smoke them and maintain a comfortable (10-12 point) lead throughout. This is why I like the altered line prediction that the Rams will win by a margin of 7-12. Nice little 6:1 payout to boot. Final (13-3): Well, the Rams' offense sputtered and the Patriots covered. This is a loser! 
This double result is simply picking who will be ahead at the end of the first half, and then who will win. Ties are also given as options in this scenario. Referring back to the last wager, I have a gut feeling the Rams will get out to an early lead but will ultimately fall to contain this crappy Pats dynasty. I'll reluctantly pick this scenario and hope like heck is doesn't happen. The upside is, if the game does play out like this, we'll get paid to watch it. Halftime: Boo, with the Pats ahead 3-0 at the half, this one is a goner. Have fun! -T |
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