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09-21-2011 I was one of the record-setting 6.4 million people who watched the roast of America's semi-beloved Charlie Sheen on Monday night. And I wonder if I was the only one to be disappointed. In this internet age, celebrity news has a quick life-cycle. Charlie's public meltdown was a good 6-7 months ago, and about the last we have heard from him (getting booed off stages in his "Torpedo of Truth" tour) was in April. With today's attention span, that's a long time. Not only that, but the roasters had somewhat little to use as fodder for their jokes. So Charlie did coke and banged porn stars and was paid copious amounts of money to star in a dim-witted, yet still wildly popular, TV show. We could all do that if we wanted to.... Oh wait, except that we can't. I've looked all over my house for the room filled with suitcases of cocaine and porn stars, but I just can't seem to find it. "Sex, drugs, rock 'n roll" is pretty much the American dream fully realized, and this self-appointed Rock Star from Mars lived it all in a very public way. Some roastees are great targets because they didn't really "earn" their money because of legitimate talent. There are many who felt Pamela Anderson is only rich and famous because of a couple obvious assets. And many felt that Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy didn't exactly craft the world's most high-brow jokes on their way to bloated bank accounts. The only quip about Charlie Sheen's lack of acting ability? Seth MacFarlane saying that Charlie couldn't make himself cry very well in Wall Street. That's it. Let's face it; there isn't much (or anything) about Charlie that's in the closet. Tumultuous relationships, drugs, sex...none of it was going to be that shocking. I'm usually excited to see who the actual roasters on the dais are, and this was the usual mish-mash of role-filling surprises. Old "man" (usually Bea Arthur or Cloris Leachman) was William Shatner. Random black person was Patrice O'Neal. Random off-the-wall-weirdos were Steve-O and Mike Tyson. Jeff Ross was Jeff Ross. Why the hell is she here? was Kate Walsh. Why in the hell is he here? was Jon Lovitz. Good-looking and overly insulting female was Amy Schumer. Lesser known comedian whose star is rising was Anthony Jeselnik. In order, these people tried, with varying success, to roast Charlie: Jon Lovitz, who will never be decent enough to be roasted, whose career includes basically The Critic, SNL, and News Radio, started off with the truth, "People say he [Sheen] is crazy just cuz he likes beautiful women to come to his house, have sex with him and leave. What a nut!" Exactly. I'm glad the rest of the dais referenced the shows Kate Walsh has been on (Private Practice and Grey's Anatomy) because I've never even seen a minute of either one. She may have delivered the most biting remark to Charlie on the night - a line about having his kids removed from his custody. But she also gave a joke that I believe was in most need of a simple edit when she said Patrice thought grape soda was a fruit. It is my understanding that 'Kool-Aid' would have worked much better than 'soda' in that instance. Next was Jeff Ross, who met my pretty high expectations. He is a pro at this, a consummate roaster, if you will. Bill Simmons has dubbed him Roastmaster General - a title Ross carries proudly. During a podcast with Simmons, Ross said that hours of each roast are left on the cutting room floor. This is something I almost wish I didn't know because I find myself wanting more when watching the finished/edited product. In any case, Ross toured with Sheen, if you can call it a tour, and at the roast called Charlie "the greatest sport in roast history." Tyson was proof that some of the roasters have writers help them with a few lines. Otherwise, his performance was awkward and a little sad. The way he rolled his shoulders and fidgeted with his suitcoat button, it looked like he had Tourette's or OCD. Anthony Jeselnik. The surprise hit of the Trump roast was back again, and I was excited. His remarks promised to be witty, and delivered in a uniquely deliberate style (which Charlie later made great fun of). I was happier with his presentation the second time I watched. This guy will tear your heart out while simultaneously flashing a huge smile. Good times. Steve-O sounds like he talks through a trach. Here's a guy I just don't understand or find very funny. Thank goodness he didn't speak very long (or was just edited down). In the most awkward moment(s) of the night, he ran into Tyson's fist on purpose so he could say he got a black eye from Iron Mike...once at the close of his remarks and another at the end of the roast. Not sure he succeeded in anything except getting a broken nose...and looking dumb. Amy Schumer was next. I'd seen her before doing stand-up on Comedy Central. She was the biggest surprise of the evening. Very good material, and a delivery that kinda reminded me of Ellen DeGeneres, which I like. She was also the most ruthless roaster. It's worth a mention that while fast-forwarding through ads, I saw that Jeff Dunham has a new special airing on Comedy Central. Talk about a guy who really, seriously, completely is NOT funny. Most people, if they don't have funny things to say, just don't say anything at all, or try another field of work. Jeff Dunham said, "F that noise. I don't care how unfunny I am; I'm going to have my unfunny words come out of puppets, and maybe people will laugh then." Go somewhere and never come back, Jeff Dunham. Next up was Shatner, who didn't seem to have the whole flow of a roast down, even though he was once roasted himself. Although I thought he had the funniest line of the night that fell fall when he said "from one Rocket Man to another..." Your anchor was Patrice O'Neal. He also wasn't down with the flow that I like to see in a roast, but he did better on my second viewing as well. His act was that he didn't know everyone would be so mean, and I spent most of my time wondering if he was serious or whether that was part of his performance. Oh well. I believe he's a better storyteller than pure joke teller, and I don't know that he fits in too well as a roaster. Wrapping up was the man himself, Charlie Sheen. As part of his closing, he echoed Jon Lovitz lines, which brought home why this whole event was somewhat disappointing. Regarding the booze, drugs, and women, he said, "All this time I thought I was just...having fun." Indeed, Wild Thing. And when someone is having that much fun, it's hard to make fun of them. Enjoy life...in your own way! -T You can now find me all over the web:  Like Monster Cards on Facebook
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